Yesterday I had a small meltdown. I don't know why. It was a good day. I did my morning exercises, took my first shower by myself (Brent was not happy), drove to the Nail Stop to have my birthday pedi with Kera and Gwen. Gwen was so darn cute. They have scaled down pedi chairs decorated for kids and little personal DVD players so the kids can watch their favorite Disney movie. It was great. But, when I got in the car my chest felt like there was a huge weight pressing down on me. Got home and started afternoon exercises and just started sobbing for no reason I could really discern.
I suspect it's a combination of things. Too much time on my own where all I do is dwell on things. Not taking it day by day, but reverting to my usual habit of projecting forward. First, going thru the exercises myself day in and day out gets old. I've mentioned before that it's helpful when others are around. They offer support, urging me to go further, and also offer a diversion :) I'm concerned about next week being my final week of PT. Monday I will do 30 minutes of water therapy and 30 with Nate. Thursday will be my last day. I've had concerns about the end all along but tried to just live in the moment and take it as it comes. But it's coming fast now. I believe my right knee will hit the 120 degree mark - today it measured at 118 degrees flexion. The chances of my left knee hitting 120 are practically nil as it still only meausred 105 degrees flexion today. So, can I keep that forward progress by myself? When I start working (another area of concern), and am only exercising once a day, can I keep progressing? How will I know when it hits 120 degrees? On top of that, the overall goal is 130, and how will I know when I reach that on my own? I know that on my own I can't take it to the same pain level Nate achieves when he bends it. I know running into my friend at PT (see previous post) had something to do with my meltdown too. Questions, questions, more nerve wracking questions.
Nate assures me that it will be fine; that he wouldn't let PT end if he didn't believe that. We're still replicating as many of the exercises at home as we can. The bike has been a problem, but Kera is going to loan me her spin bike. Brent and Chris will get that set up tonight. Too bad the TdF is almost over - I could be riding with Andy Shleck! Hopefully I'll get some good water exercises and will be able to start those at the gym.
I have a few things going on today that should take my mind off things. My friend Chrissy is coming to visit at lunch today. Renee is picking me up and taking me to Book Club tonight. The book is an Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life. It's different - I'm about 1/2 way thru the book. The ladies in my book club have been awesome. In addition to the books and the fantastic Dream Dinners (what a lifesaver they have been), many of them sent cards and emailed me throughout this ordeal and they were very uplifting and encouraging. I'm anxious to see them in person and thank them for their support.
I am supposed to scrapbook next weekend with friends. It's a whole weekend thing which I usually look forward to and really enjoy. I don't know. Can I sleep in a real bed (since it's a goal of mine I should get busy on trying), will I still be able to do my exercises twice a day at someone else's home, how long can I sit to scrap without propping my legs up, etc. I don't want to be a bother to my friends who will just want to scrap, scrap, scrap, and not deal with my junk. Big decisions. While I want to go, I don't want to be a PITA to my friends either. It would be good to get out and away, but......you can see why I drive myself nuts!
I tried Tylenol PM last night. Getting to sleep has never been a problem, it's staying asleep that's the issue. I'm awake about 1, take tylenol at 2 and then I'm awake every hour on the hour. My knees ache, I need to change positions and it hurts, I'm moving the body pillow from one side to the other, whatever, it all wakes me up. Last night I slept from 11-1:30. Took pills at 2:15, was awake at 3 and then slept until 5. Was awake every hour after that. So, I did manage to get two 2-hour stretches of good sleep. How do insomniacs do it? I can't imagine going thru each day without enough sleep. I'm cranky in the morning after 8 hours, I can't figue out how work's going to go without getting a good night's rest.
As my Mom says, better days are coming.
5 comments:
Yep, you are driving yourself nuts. It will all come together.
1. I will come over tomorrow during your exercises if it helps you. Call me with the time.
2. Gwen is in camp 9am-3pm all next week, I have workouts in the morning, but I can come over in the afternoons.
3. Insomnia - welcome to my hell.
4. Water exercises at the gym - I can join you if we go during child care hours.
5. Can I borrow that book when you're done?
Hi Silly Girl!! I am reading your post about your upcoming Scrap Book weekend and your concerns...stop it...that will be the best thing in the world for you...you will be in a different surrounding...you will have friends to help you with the exercises..they will not be worried about missing some scrap booking time...they will be glad you are there with them...and you will sleep better because you will have spent the day with FRIENDS...doing something you love...keep reading this post the next week whenever you have any doubts about going! You are doing wonderfully and everything will fall into place as it has done all along!
Donna - from reading your blog I think you are doing great. You sure seem to have come a long way since our surgery. I can't imagine having one knee done, let alone two!! Hang in there, I'm sure it all be a memory soon!
Thanks for all the comments. I appreciate you all helping me to keep things in perspective - I sometimes lose my way!
Memory - You keep telling me that. I'm ready for it to all come togethr. NOW! LOL. Seriously, thanks for your comments and insight.
Kera - I love you.
Anonymous #1 - I've read your post several times. You make many good points. I spoke with my friends tonight and you're right - they don't mind at all and they've taken care of chores that we always split (like each making a meal) but I can't do. They definitely want me to come. Thank you for your comments.
Anonymous #2 - Your are right, I have made good progress. I'm just impatient to be totally recovered but that is apparently a very unrealistic expectation. I'm trying to be more realistic. Thanks to you and my Cuz Memory for reminding me of how far I've come. I need that perspective sometimes.
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